Blame it on goose, Kittens, and Sakura
by Scorching Phoenix
Summary: She drank, they emerged. Oh the humanity! parings later, crack I suppose..
1. Prolouge

Mystic Snow Flake Fox: I have a snow day today! Quite annoyed about it, there was hardly any snow like the y discrived it on the weaher channel. Just hail and faltering rain. I'm even more bother by the fact that theres another day added to the end of June. I'll never graduate.. Oh well, at least it gives me time to post this.

Blame it on the goose, Kittens, and Sakura

Prologue

It was a lovely crisp Saturday night in June. A group of females wandered the streets singing catchy tune of the future. It ranged from "Sexy Can I", "Ring Ring Banana phone", etc. Suddenly all of the women stopped near a street light to watch their friend perform. She swung on the pole like a stripper and grinned a toothy grin when her friends cheered her on for an encore. She complied and started belly dancing then threw up what ever drinks she gulped into her stomach three hours ago.

"Blame it on the goose, got you feeling l- bleeagghhh.." She brought her head up and started over. "Got you feeling loose, blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-bleeackk.." then fainted.

Her girl friends exchanged looks with one another, shrugged then left retreating for their homes. A few hours later later Sakura awoke and caught her head. She was throbbing in pain and couldn't find the strength to get up and walk home. Her skin felt cold as a blast of harsh air swept past her.

The girl remained still when a shadowy being confronted her.

"Out partying again?"

Her eyes squinted trying to figure out who it is. "Do I know you?"

"No. But I defiantly know you." He said in a husky voice.

Inner popped up in her mind.** 'Okayy.. this guy is creepy.'**

_'Inner! I'm so glad that your here. What should I do?'_

**'What should you do? WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?' **It shouted getting louder and louder.** 'Smack him in the face, jab your foot into his nuts! Throw grits! I don't know, just do something before he has his way with you!'**

Sakura brought her foot up to his crotch area, but the guy blocked it. He grabbed her hand and starting licking her. It felt like sand paper being buffered against her skin. She got grossed out by the abnormal gesture and moved back wards towards a few cardboard boxes.

"Mew.." Vibrated the box from her touch.

Fear took over her when the sound escalated and she turned around just in time to fight against her upcoming murderer.

"Auugh! Get away from me you monster!" She screamed and tossed the box at him. The guy fell backwards hitting the concrete with Sakura hovering above him. Curious by his appearance, the kunochi bent down and dragged him over near the light. Her eyes widened at the sight. "Madara?"

The guy known as Madara awoken. "It is me you twit." He growled. Madara twisted around to find a long furry tail behind him. "I hope this thing isn't bent.." Then paused to listen in on a fit of laughter echoing from the girl. The cat man groaned in annoyance. "Yes, I got hit by the jutsu.."

"Bwahahaha! God damn it, it was only a test beta!" She laughed while holding onto her sides. Sakura ended the silly time and grew serious. "No really, I had no idea that it had affected you guys."

"It did not take over me entirely." He said while getting up from the ground. "As you can see, I'm still a human."

"Not really. I can take notice of that tail swishing from behind." Sakura giggled earning a growl from the cat. "Are the others kittenfied as well?"

"Yes. Including my alter ego, Tobi."

"Well you came at the wrong time. I plan to fall asleep at the moment so don't expect me to spend the rest of my night figuring out a way to cure all of you."

Madara raised an eye brow. "How can you? The streets is not a home."

Sakura realized what he just said. "I know that already, but I couldn't get there a little earlier because of the celebration I had for turning an anbu today."

"Congratulations. I'm sure your parents would be very proud at your achievements."

"Yeah, I'm sure they will." She said with a fake smile. Then turned away. "I suppose that you don't have a place to stay for the time being."

"Are you suggesting that I live with you temporarily?"

"Fine, if you don't like my damn offer then go live in the box with the rest of them." She hissed at the hybrid.

"I'll take the offer. Living in my childhood home doesn't feel right.."

"Okay, we can be room mates!"'

"Room mates?" He repeated in a deep scowl.

Sakura left his side and bent down picking the brown box off the side walk. She walked past him and moved down the streets heading for her home. Madara stared at her decreasing body mass and crept down the side walk using the street lights as his guide. He ended up near a medium sized apartment and watched the kunoichi struggle with picking her lock and holding the box of kittens at the same time.

"Kunoichi."

She jumped and turned to find Madara on the steps. "Yes?" and found the hybrid holding his hands out to her. Sakura blinked in confusion and handed him the box then resumed opening the door into her apartment. The key clicked into the hole and the two moved inside with Madara shutting the door behind him. He looked around the room and found plenty of furniture lined up with a coffee table in the middle. There wasn't that much to see.

He came across a blank picture. "What used to be in this frame?"

Sakura walked over and gazed at the picture. "My family and me, now were no more." then walked away.

Madara blinked and shuffled his feet across the floor board hitting the sofa for a short rest. He only closed his eyes for a second when a chorus of mews and meows entered his mind. The man cracked a lone eye opened and turned near said box. It was going off like a timer every two seconds as scratching from inside echoed on and off.

"Alright, alright. I'm coming. Hold your undigested hair balls in your stomachs."

He crouched down and lifted the flap. A cream colored kitten with the hint of gold popped up. _'That was awful, yeah. Too much balls in my face threw me off..'_

Another cat, small in stature filled from top to bottom with an orange swirly glint mixed with brown appeared beside him. _'My bad Deidara sama! Tobi be good and not show balls to you anymore! Tobi promise!'_

_'Does she already know about us?'_ Deidara mewed.

"Yeah, but we can't really stay put in Konoha when the girl has connections with the hokage."

_'Tobi suggest we wipe her memories clean!'_

"That will probably work. I think.. But what if there's more people with this virus flowing in their DNA?"

_'Then that's their problem. She already doesn't have an antidote to fix ours. Might as well make her think that were average kittens, yeah.'_

"Fine. I'll convert her memories into a genjutsu she won't know what hit her."

_'You sure about that? What if she figures out how to undo the justu? Then we'll be screwed for like, ever..' _Deidara exaggerated.

"Not to worry, I'm a professional." Madara admitted and closed the box when Sakura got near. "I was just checking on them to see that there still alive."

She was standing there holding a platter with a big bowl of tuna fish in her hands. "You sure? I don't want a whole colony of cats dead in my living room you know."

The hybrid picked it's self up from the floor. "What's with the tuna fish?"

"Oh, this?" She asked and blushed a tinge of pink. "Since we came here a little late, there's no way that we could buy them some cat food."

"They won't mind, minus Kisame." He sweat dropped.

Madara's eyes switched over to the box. Tobi's head was stuck between the wedges of cardboard and seemed to be nodding. He took the signal and turned the girl around sending her into a genjutsu. Sakura's body went limb and she dropped the plate then fell down getting knocked out unconscious.

"I got her." He told the troops.

Tobi tipped over the box. It fell over spilling it's contents of eight other cat's with split personalities. All of them trotted over and parked their little butts near the passed out kunoichi.

_'Is she dead? Tobi think she dead!'_ He started hopping like a rabbit. _'Call 911!'_

"How can she be when you ordered the attack?"

_'Tobi don't know!_' He cried and got pushed by Deidara. _'Ow, quit it you meanie!'_

The creamy cat placed it's paw on Sakura's neck. _'She seems stable, for now.'_

Hidan emerged in anger._ 'So what the fuck is the mother fucking plan? Our cure for this dumb ass virus got wiped clean by you.'_

Madara grew quiet. "I have no clue."

They're screwed.

Mystic: Wee! I finished the prologue

Pein: Why didn't I have any parts?

Mystic: I don't know. But you will have one in the next chapter.

Sakura: Why the fuck was I knocked out?

Mystic: Because! I'll tell you later. Please review your thoughts on this chapter or else Tobi get's it.

Tobi: Help Tobi out! Reviewww!


	2. I: The girl wakes up

**Yay! I got six reviews and eighty something hits. I would like to thank these people:**

Raging Typhoon Wolf

Jolteon's Thunderbolt

Xx-Silent Ookami-xX

AkatsukiSexToy101

Black-Blue Moonlight Neko

Meagan

**Your reviews mean a lot to me. Especially all the readers who glanced at the story. Now's the time to begin. ^^**

Blame it on the goose, Kittens and Sakura

Chapter one: The girl wakes up

The Akatsuki turned felines were bored. Bored with waiting for the bitch that fell asleep on the dirty floor to wake up. Bored with the fact that they will never get their bodies back! Fucking bored from lack of food and queens to dip on. What ever happened of waking up to use the bathroom? How can one person hold their urine and waist in for so long while being unconscious?

When ever they beat up or killed somebody, they soiled them selves like it was just child's play. But really, this one had an iron digestive track of steel. Ever since she was passed out her craving for solid foods, liquids and interaction with humans never made it's self know. The only source of life was these eight human turned cats. Said kittens were surrounded around her and spoke amongst them selves in a gibberish non speaking way.

Animal Translation pro:

_'How long is it going to take till she wakes up, un?'_

_'I don't know. Probably till we pass out from lack of food..'_

The munchkin cat finished up the sentence. _'And water, and raisins, and air, and celery, and fish to eat!' _Chirped Tobi

_'How the fuck are you guys talking about food? Are you imagining it or something?' _Mewed an angry silver tabby.

_'Maybe, because I am so damn hungry..'_ Deidara mewed with anime tears were flying down his face. _'I could be eating dango, chili, cotton candy, stake.._' till it got depressing. _'Then this passed out bitch casts a virus onto the villages like spraying Lysol in a dirty house hold.'_

Madara was relaxed in a chair. "At least were in a household. Without me we wouldn't have came across the kunoichi."

Pein joined in the conversation _'He's right. Since Madara is the only one that has the appearance of a human, our chances of survival doubled then being in the wild.'_

_'What ever. Wake me up when she wakes up..'_ Kisame scowled and lowered it's head to sleep. The blue fur coat curled up in a ball and raised it's head when something or someone tapped him on the back. Kisame turned around and his eyes widened in fear._ 'Oh shit, her hand touched me.'_

_'Abort.' _Pein commanded slickly.

The kitties got up on their front paws and made an escape route for any places they could find; except two lone cats who were bickering with each other. Sakura's green eyes fluttered open and she looked ahead coming across two screaming cats. They appeared to have been yelling at each other which registered as screams and grunts to the human ear.

His mouth was open letting out spit._ 'Why did you eat the rest of the tuna! That was my stash you suniva bitch, un!'_

Sasori laid there with his eyes closed. _'So a problem with it then go fuck your self.'_

Deidara got up and smashed his head into the red one. _'Make me!'_

Sakura watched the two roll on the floor and crash near the wall. The two cats zipped across the rug heading for the dusty old fire place located in the living room. She gasped in shock and rushed forward into the fire place and ripped the red one off of the golden yellow coated cat. Sasori landed near the television and laid on the floor with squiggled in his eyes.

Deidara trotted over and howled in grief. '_Sasori Dannaaa!'_

"What are you crying for? I just saved your life."

_'No you didn't you stomped it to the ground and farted on it, yeah.'_ it mewed in anger.

Out of nowhere he felt the ground shake almost putting a hole in the floor. He looked down and saw a crack form in the wood and moved away so he wouldn't get sucked into it like quick sand. Sakura watched it leave out the corner of her eye and left too.

"I need a bath.."

...

**(Near Deidara..)**

He was talking with Sasori.

The red cat asked a question. _'Did it work?'_

_'Does the kool aid man have ice in it? Hell yeah did it work!'_

Sasori frowned at the cream kitty. _'That wasn't really necessary.'_

_'I don't care! She seems to have forgotten us for good.'_

_'Not entirely. Does she still remember her comrades?'_

_'You know what? I have no clue.'_ he replied simply and heard knuckles tapping against the door._ 'Seems like we have guests..'_

The knocking got mixed in with a loud male voice. "Sakura chan! Are you in there?"

_'Speak of the devil.'_ Sasori mewed bluntly.

Deidara rolled his blue eyes._ 'Oh great, its the Kyuubi no kitsune's jailer, un.'_

_'I'll warn Madara about his presence.' _Sasori suggested and poofed away. He reappeared near the chair where his original leader would snooze and eat but found nothing. Curious about his mysterious departure, Sasori checked high and low for the hybrid. He gazed out from under the couch to notice that Madara was near the door talking with someone.

"Who is this? Why are you here?"

"LET ME SPEAK TO SAKURA CHAANN!"

"What?"

"LET ME SPEAK TO SAKURA CHANN"

"She's not here right now. Leave the message after the beep." He started the beeping noise. "Beeeepppp.."

"SAKURA CHAN DOESN'T HAVE A PHONE!"

_'Oh my god, this little booger won't go the fuck away!'_ Cursed Hidan into Madara's mind.

Naruto's voice got lower beyond the door. "I need to speak with Sakrua chan.. It's very urgent!"

Itachi entered Madara's mind.

_'Just tell him some fake ass lie. His voice is giving me a headache..'_

"She's um.." He stalled not knowing what to say. Madara looked towards the kittens. "Any suggestions?"

Nobody had an idea and shrugged. Except Tobi.

_'Tell him that she's in the can!'_ Mewed Tobi excitedly.

The kittens groaned at his suggestion.

"Okay..That wasn't a good excuse." Madara sweat dropped. He came up with something else. "Sakura is taking out the trash."

"Really?"

The real Akatsuki leader signed deeply and leaned his body agianst the wall. Sounds of feet leaving the steps onto the grass going near the trash cans entered his was quite pleased that the Kyuubi was so naive and easy to trick. Suddenly out of nowhere, Naruto came back pounding on the door.

"She's not there you traitor! You lied to me!"

Madara groaned. "A little more help here would be nice.." and got up from off the wall.

A silver tabby cracked it's purple eyes open. _'Naw, your on your own mother fucker.'_ Then resumed sleeping.

"Let me in before I break this door down!" Threatened the blond.

Madara settled near a peep hole. "No really, you can't speak with her."

"Why? Are you her keeper or something?" Naruto questioned with a scowl.

"Not really, apparently she's mine. For now.." He whispered and spoke into the peep hole. "Enough. Now leave before I sick the hounds on you."

"What hounds? Sakura chan doesn't have any hounds."

_'She does now! Ha! Ha! Ha!'_ Snickered Kisame.

"Describe hounds. Were not hounds, just kittens." Madara stated then felt uneasy. "I mean that I'm the only human and you are kittens.."

_'I meant the Kyuubi was hounding her. Gosh, your slow as hell.'_

Madara was about to comment on his statement when a familiar chakra was walking towards them. Kisame picked it up as well and scooted away when the root of Naruto's bickering came rolling by like a dust bunny. Sakura sent a death glare to the kittens and directed it to the elder Uchiha who was unfazed by her intimidation. He moved anyways so she could get rid of the Kyuubi container.

The rosette haired female stood there and did some breathing procedures. "One, two, three.." Then moved her foot into the sky scaling the door into submission.

**~Outside~**

Naruto stood there like and idiot and screamed his head off when the door caved in. A pinkette with evil red orbs of the devil it's self came out and jumped off the steps into the air doing a battle cry. He ran like a chipmunk on helium and flew towards the grass and ate dirt while Sakura was on top of him.

"You suniva bitch! What are you doing knocking on my door?"

"I-I don't know!" He stuttered and got pushed into the mud. "Uncle! Uncle!"

She removed her fingers from the boy's neck and suspended his body into the thorns. "Tell me why your here!"

"Nothing! I was just wondering what you have been up to!" He wept in anime tears.

"Really?" Sakura blinked.

Said kunoichi let of her friend and stayed still when his body transformed into a log.

Naruto came up behind her. "Yeah, we haven't heard from you in ten days."

"Ten days?"

"Ne, next time tell us when you'll be hibernating after being promoted as an anbu." He joked watching the girl get heated. "Is this your way of getting stronger or something?" and grew happy. "I got my own way of training too, but it doesn't need sleeping."

Sakura was still confused. "Ten days? How can I be sleeping for seven days and two wo-" she paused with her eyes widened in awe. "Oh shit! I'm late for work!" The pinkette pulled at her hair ripping some strands off her scalp. "My hair is a mess and I just took a shower."

"Isn't that good enough for you? I'll rather walk out at least knowing that I'm clean for the rest of the day."

"That's not enough for us females."

"I got an idea! Why don't you wear those red scarf that old lady wears on the pancake box?"

Her eyes got red. "What? I am not going to work looking like aunt Jemima."

"Meh, worth that shot." Naruto shrugged and walked past the open fence. "See you later at the anbu head quarters.."

She watched the blond fox leave off her property and went the opposite direction back into her own home. Sakura slammed the door behind her and moved around the other rooms looking for an explanation to her absence of reality.

"I can't believe that I was passed out for ten days straight.."

"Yes you have. It wasn't easy to prevent your friends from coming by to check on you."

Sakura notices a mans shadow on the wall. "Do I know you?"

He stayed silent searching for an answer. "I'm.. your beau."

She freaked out at the sentence. "WHAT?"

...

"Why are you acting so shocked? We have been together for for two years."

"I'm not shocked. Just confused by this awful predicament."

_'Since when are we?..'_

**'In a relationship? I have no clue.'**

_'Oh well. What ever his reason is for being here in my house it must be true then. Still, I'm quite lost..'_

"How could you be lost? We started courtship since your training with the fifth hokage."

**'Omgosh! He knows about me!'** Exploded inner.

_'Shush. So I guess he's a mind reader. How wonderful..'_

**'No it's not! It's the end of the line with us!'**

_'Not really. I'm sure he's comfortable with my.. condition.'_

**'Condition? Ha, don't make me laugh. Quit changing it cause your just a crazy suniva bi-**

"Your inner child has a foul mouth."

"I know." She sheepishly laughed, wishing that he will get out of her face. Or maybe her life. "Do you have one?"

"I do. His name is Tobi.'

"Tobi, Tobi." Sakura repeated trying to figure out the name's meaning. "I think I can recall that name from some where, just some how I cannot remember where."

_'Shit her memories are still in tact.'_ he thought.

On cue, his split personality jumped in. _'The mind erasing didn't work? Tobi ask what kind of criminal master mind are you?'_

_'I don't know. But we can't live here much longer after she said that.'_

_'Why not? I like it here.' _Replied Kisame.

_'Because, she knows. I can't come up a reason to why though..'_

Sakura was staring at her.. boyfriend. Why was he making those weird expressions? Why are they even together in the first place? She doesn't recall going out with anybody during her reconstruction of the mind when Sasuke and Naruto left. But perhaps maybe they were together all along. If not then the bastard is tricking her!

**'Quick ask some brain teasers. If he knows the questions you ask then I suppose you two are together.'**

_'Brain teasers? He is not twelve years old.'_

**'Just do it. It's the only way..'**

_'Fine.'_

She looked the elder Uchiha in the eye. "When is my birthday?"

_'Ooh, that's a tuffy.' _Intruded Kisame.

'Zip it fish boy.' He hissed at the point blue.

_'How rude.'_

_'She had to ask something personal, un.'_

_'Don't sweat it. Just dig into her mind and yank it out.'_ Suggested Kakuzu.

Madara made a face behind his mask transmitting a wave of energy into her mind. The girl swayed a bit and closed her eyes as the man entered her mind. While his victim was sedated for a short period of time, he was searching through the mind of a pink haired kunoichi. Once he moved down the darkness trail, there was a white shining light. Curious by the beam, his eyes squinted so he could see better and screamed in horror shutting the elder Uchiha out of her brain.

His hands were messaging the temples. "What the hell was that?"

"My inner? You like?"

_'Hell no!'_ Cursed Hidan.

_'Shut up, your making it confusing for the reads to keep up with the story.'_

_'Oh, never the fuck mind.._' Then the voice faded away.

Pein entered his mind instead. _'Just tell her that it's March twenty eight.'_

"March twenty eight." He repeated like a parrot.

Sakura looked away making a face, muttering something. "Lucky bastard." and gave him a sweet smile. "I'm sorry for acting so stupid, um.. what's your name?"

Madara started sweating beneath his mask. "N-name?"

_'Oh my bloody Jashin! She's asking for your dumb ass name!'_

_'Quit messing up my concentration.'_

_'Give her a fake one. Not like she can't tell the difference any ways..' _Explained a bored Sasori.

_'Fine.'_

"My name is.." He didn't know what to say.

_'Coconut!' _Exclaimed one of the felines.

All the cats exploded in a fit of laughter.

_'Haha, What the fuck kind of name is a damn coconut?' _Snickered Hidan.

_'That's a dumb ass name. Who came up with it, hmm?'_

_'Tobi did! Tobi invent lovely name!'_

_'More like a retarded name..'_ groaned Itachi.

Mandara clenched his throbbing head in pain. "Quit talking all at once. Your damaging my ability to think."

"What was that?"

Oh my.

Has the mouse exposed it's tricks?

Only time can tell..

**Mystic: Look what you did Madara! They're screwed now!**

**Madara: I don't like this story no more.**

**Sakura: What the hell is going on? I'm sick and tired of this shit!**

**Mystic: Quite it down peasant! Review? ^_^**


	3. II Passion fruit, planes, and displeasur

**Omgod, I have over fourteen reviews! ~**

I would like to give thanks to:

pacchiri cherri

Desu

Meagan

Black Blue Moonlight Neko

Raging Typhoon Wolf

Jolteon's Thunderbolt

AkatsukiSexToy101

and Xx-Silent Ookami-xX

**Reason why I'm getting back to you guys so late is that I could have never accessed my account. I don't know whether I typed in my password wrong or what.. But now I'm back and let me tell you this; I really, really, really, want to finish this story! I should probably get back to it shouldn't I?**

Blame it on the Goose, Kittens, and Sakura

Chapter Two: Passion fruit, planes, and displeasure

"I like.. muffins.."

"Hmm?"

"I said that I like muffins." Repeated the masked man. "That's why you asked me about, right?"

Sakura looked at him like he was an alien then turned around leaving him alone by him self to think. Madara kept his red eyes on her form as she left out of the room to do what ever the fudge she felt like doing. Once she left out of his view, he turned towards the kitties with a bad ass death glare making them each piss on them selves.

Tobi look down at the floor._ 'Tobi make lemonade!_' he mewed._ 'Any one got a straw for Tobi?'_

Everyone groaned around him.

_'Ugh, this is so embarrassing.'_ Mewed Deidara.

Hidan didn't seem to have a puddle below his feet._ 'Ha! Ha! Ha! That shit didn't work..'_ he trailed while looking straight ahead._ 'Oh my fuckin god..'_

Sakura emerged by the door frame wearing a tight hospital top along with the skirt. "Mad-kun I'm about to.." and stopped in mid sentence when out of nowhere from kami knows where, a cat howling echoed across the room. Her green eyes darted from right to left. "Um.. I'm about to leave for work. Are you okay here by yourself?"

"Yes I am. Leave to go and perform surgical stuff.." He answered, regretting what words came out of his mouth. "And what time would you be returning home?"

"Depends.." She replied steadily while searching for her purse. Sakura met Madara's eye contact. "If the girls want me to mingle with them tonight like always."

"Okay then. I'll wait at the couch." and flinched when she slammed the door behind her. "Damn it, such an ass I am!"

Pein came from behind the couch. _'Yes you are. Telling her stupid information about nasty ass muffins.. I swear, your worse then Tobi.'_

A head popped out from the cushions in the couch. _'Tobi here! Tobi right here!'_ Chirped the kitten.

_'Speak of the devil..'_ He growled and turned towards the voice. _'I can tell that your personalities split from each other.'_

_'Really? Can we deform from this form? Cause I'm tired of licking my balls for comfort!'_

_'Stupid Tobi no baka, un. Your suppose to clean all around you, not your butt.'_

He turned around raising his ass in the air._ 'Speaking of butts, does mine look big?'  
_

_'Ahaahaha, you licked your balls?'_ Chuckled Hidan. _'Not even I did that yet!'_

"I don't have to do that." Piped up Madara.

All the cats emerged from their hiding spots and formed a circle around him. Chatter floated around the room as they asked him a whole bunch of questions about his status with the cherry blossom.

"No. I'm fucking her tonight."

_'Why not? Your a human and were not. It works just like that!'_ Hidan mewed, with a quick snap of his paws.

_'Fine. If your not going to do it then I will.'_ Grumbled the yellow and white kitten. _'Give me some water, un.'_

"What for?"

_'Ooh, ooh! I know what Deidara-sama is getting at!'_ Oohed Tobi. The kitten stopped jumping and told his story._ 'In those other kitty turned fics with us starring in them, water splashes on us and we turn back into a human.'_ He mewed and turned towards Itachi. _'Isn't that right Ita-teme?'_

_'...'_

_'Tobi take that as a yes!'_ Grinned the Savannah.

"Alright then. I will perform that in the tub because that's usually where it takes place in."

_'What are you hinting at? Fellatio or dumping water on your self?'_ Questioned the silver tabby.

"If there was a disgusting little box in this room I would have dumped it on you."

Tobi butted in. _'Speaking of dumps, I have to take one.'_

_'Me too! A mega ass one after eating that expired tuna fish!'_ Exclaimed Kisame.

Pein raised an eye brow. _'No one told you to eat it.'_

_'Really? I mean, shut up!'_ Hissed the blue neko.

"Everyone go up stairs. I want to try out the water trick."

_'After wards, can I take a crap?'_ Questioned a brittle kitten. _'Cause I really need to..'_ Suggested Kakuzu.

Madara switched his plans around by taking them outside to shit, then went back inside with the cats. He stood near the steps ready to unleash his speech.

"Everyone ready to become a human?"

_'Right!'_ Mewed the loud kittens.

_'Fuck yeah!_' roared Hidan.

_'...'_ Went Sasori, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Pein, and Itachi.

**-Upstairs-**

"Everybody ready?"

"Right!" Mewed the loudest kittens out of the bunch.

"..." Went the bored ones.

Madara stood over the eight cats. The red eyes behind his swirled mask darted from right to left scanning the cats settled in a line against the bathroom wall. It was a simple non painful procedure of simply dropping a feline into the tub like a tablet used for headaches. A twisted sadist smirk claimed him freaking out the cats.

Some of the alarmed ones ran away in fright leaving a few kitties behind. Madara randomly latched onto a kitten with a simple yellow and white patten and flew him across the tiles like a crane fishing for the plush toys. Deidara was quite pleased that he was chosen even though Tobi would have been the better pick as the guinea pig.

The kitten landed on his front paws and used the back of his feet for support to stand up. Deidara's blue eyes were glued to the said Akatsuki's advancement towards the turning items to get from hot to cold or just in between. Madara latched for the knob and twisted it watching water come out from the pipe. Soon clear liquid took a small portion over of the tub and touched Deidara's paws.

_'Yes! Yes! Gimme the damn human transformation!_' Chuckled the cat in complete hysteria.

Outside, the other kitties were watching.

_'That guy is weird.'_ Frowned Kisame.

Sasori agreed._ 'I know. Even though we both agree on art, I always found him to be the weirdo.'_

Each kitten and the hybrid waited patiently for something to happen. But it never did. So he twisted the knob to extreme power thus breaking it off with his brute strength. in three seconds flat, Madara flooded the bathroom in anger. Once he realized what he has just done, the elder Uchiha ran out of the bathroom with eight wet bundles of fur in his cloak and waited down stairs at the coach until his _beloved_ returns.

**-Down stairs-**

All the kitties were on the arm rest of the chair the hybrid was sitting on.

Tobi sat next to a big ball of fur with angry blue eyes._ 'Glee hee hee! How do you do chewbacca?'_

The wet fur ball showed it's fangs._ 'I am not. Chewbacca, un..'_

Hidan hissed dilberatly in tension._ 'Where is the god damn food? I'm starved.'_

_'I don't know. Perhaps there is a phone for pizza near by..'_ Itachi purred then frowned. _'Crap. I forgot that were not humans any more.'_

"I can rearrange that. For my self."

The silver kitten watched Madara pick up the phone and start dialing on the dash board.

_'Shit! After all the times we could have ordered Dominos, then we can't mother fucking eat it!'_

_'Tobi sure we can slurp on the cheese.'_

_'Ew. This bitch is gay!'_ Whined Hidan.

"Shut up. The phone is ringing." snapped Madara. He cleared his throat and spoke into the holes. "Yes, I would like to order a pizza.."

"OMG! IS THAT YOU?" Hollored the person on the other line. "M-m-ma.."

"Yes it is I, Madara Uchiha." The man replied with a roll of his red eyes. "Would you complete my order or not?"

"N-no way! I don't to get squashed by the deadly slug saninn." Stuttured the pizza boy.

"Fuck that. You will complete my order before I track you down my self and stick a kunai up your ass crack."

"Auuugghhh! Okay, okay! I will complete you order right away." He said and turned away from the phone talking to the workers. "G-get this sharingan dude some pizza right now or else he'll fuck me in the ass!"

"I did not say that."

"Please ignore my speech pattern Mr. Uchiha. Now could you mind telling me where you live?"

"Um.. I.." The master mind stalled, he looked away staring at the cats. "Go figure out what street this is on."

_'I'll go, un.' _Volunteered a yellow and white kitten.

Deidara hopped off from the sofa and ran down the floor board towards the door. He exited out from the puppy door and out into the street searching for the sign explaining what street he was on. The yellow and white tabby's blue eyes spotted a sign. He cringed from the name of the street and ventured back into the house.

Madara took notice of Deidara's slowness. "Well? Got any trails?"

_'Course I do. What kind of idiots live on Passion Fruit Lane?'_

_'An annoying cherry blossom. What else?'_ Hinted Itachi.

Said master mind ingored Deidara's compaining and spoke back into the phone. "Are you still there stupid pizza person?"

"Hm? Yeah, I'm still here." Slurred the clerk.

Madara raised an eye brow. "What's with the sleazy breathing?"

"Oh. I was just thinking about the hokage."

"What about the hokage?"

"She's not the yondaime, or the previous kages! It's a woman!" Exclaimed the pizza boy. "A big boobied woman.."

"..." Went Madara. "Your point is?"

"They must be like.. torepedos! So I guess I can take your name down."

"No comment. Before telling me about your fantasies, you asked of my whereabouts."

"Oh yeah. Mind telling me where your at?"

"..."

"Um.. hello? Did you hang up?"

"I can not."

"Why not?"

"Because. It sounds stupid."

"You'll feel stupid when I send it to the wrong house. Now tell me before I forget."

"Fine.." Huffed the man. "I'm staying at... Passion Fruit Lane.."

"What?"

"Passhdkfdhk lane."

"What?" Repeated the pizza boy.

"Psssssstttt lane."

"Oh my god! Will you tell me where your living already?" Exploded the pizza boy. "I'm not getting paid to guess where the customers houses are."

"Okay. I'm residing in Passion Fruit Lane! Did you get that in your thick acne ridden skull? Passion Fruit.. Lane!"

Silence took over both phone lines.

"Dude, why didn't you say so?"

The sound of the phone slamming on the other line exploded through the speaker. Except it went through the cofee table it was settled on.

"Damn it. I broke the coffee table."

On the other side of the table was a surprise ridden neko. All he was doing was innocently sitting by the phone like what normal cats do. Then out of nowhere the phone rushes pass him and makes a huge crater right across from him. Deidara went like this, o.o, with his mouth opened wide showing it's fangs and turned facing the man on all fours.

_'What was that for? UN! I could have died!'_ Mewed the cat.

"My bad." He replied with a shrug and heard a knock on the door. "Pizza is here."

Hidan felt down right confused. _'What the fuck man? You didn't even order any toppings_ _for the pizza.'_

"I'm not apologizing for the pizza boy's ability at pissing me off."

_'Well you better punch the crud o_ut _of him if he asks for a heavy ass tip. Cause this shit is just freaking ridiculous!'_

Madara drained out the bitter cat's remarks and made his way for the front door. Since he was taller then the avergage ninja, peaking at the humans from his tippy toes wasn't necessary for a strong shinobi like him. The elder Uchiha narrowed his left eye while the right one was closed.

"Are you the stupid pizza boy?" He questioned and got a muffled _yes_ in return. "Good. Leave the damn box by the door."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Cause. You broke into Sakura-chan's house."

Madara's face expressed shock behind the mask. But he didn't show it. "W-what did you just say?"

"Yeah.. I mean, normally she would ask me for the pizzas. Instead, your voice came up."

"So what. You will give me the pizza now before I plunge you into the vast dark world of the mangekyo sharingan."

"Ok man. Don't confuse me with those nins you be fighting. For I am not one of them."

Madara had enough of this and swung his fist through the wood and wheeled it back with the pizza boy in his grasp.

"Enough stalling. I'm not telling you again. Now will you give me the pizza or not?" Demanded the elder Uchiha.

The pizza boy started turing black and blue. "C-could y-you say...please?"

"Hell no." He answered bringing the teen in a short head lock. "Now where is the damn food item?"

"I-its on my b-bike! W-will you please let me g-go?"

Madara took his hands off the boy. "Fine." The man grumbled, "You have three seconds."

"How in the world can I only have three seconds to walk over there and come bac- I mean, yeah! I'll do it right away!"

Said elder Uchiha kept his attention on the pathetic fool in front of him. The pizza boy left from his spot down the pourch out to the front lawn and removed the box from out of the basket attached to his bike. He moaned softly in hopelessness and turned on his heels before getting jumped by something quite strange.

The culprits were um..cats?

A whole bunch were running out from the front door onto the lawn. The boy screamed frantically and crawled away searching for a way to get out of this when a cat catapulted it's self onto his back. He howled some more after the neko started sharpening his claws on his skin. He struggled with removing them from off his body and rolled over gasping for air. The boy froze when a shadow loomed over him.

It was Madara. He didn't have the pizza box in his hands except a long pile of rope. Said pizza boy screamed then attempted to crawl away but got pulled back by the rope reaching Mandara's grasp. Once he recollected the lost cattle, all the cats sat on the victim making him squeamish.

"I hate.." Began the boy before getting animal tush in his face. He head butted one away. "I hate.." He began once more before getting cut off by a purring Tobi. His blood started to boil.

"I HATE CATS!"

"Well your in luck then. For I despise cats as well." Spoke Madara in monotone. He opened the pizza box revealing it's contents to the world. "Just as I like it.." Then closed it.

The pizza guy had red in his eyes. "Your lucky that I won't report your punk ass self to the anbu!"

"Oh yeah.. about that. Well, we can't allow that to happen." Exaggerated the elder Uchiha.

"Huh?" The man questioned with a raised eye brow. He soon found his face gagged by a dirty sock. "Mfff, meeddd!"

Madara turned on his heels towards the door. "Bring him inside." He commanded huskily and slammed the door.

All the cats had a confused look on their faces.

_'Umm.. Tobi think Hidan should carry the pizza man into the house.'_

_'Oh hell no! I am not wasting my time and energy by hauling a acne ridden boy into a house we don't even own!' _Cursed Hidan.

Itachi huffed abnormally. _'Just shut up and bring the bastard inside..'_

While the kittens prepared to drag their victim back into the base, some one was watching. Some one terrible was watching. An evil tyrant hanging out in the bushes whispering into some type of walkie talkie device. Suddenly, his hand lifted up in some sort of command like sequence..

Ready for an attack.

**Ooh, who's in Sakura chan's back yard? You'll have to review and find out. **

**About the title, it's a spoof to an album of, "Passion, Pain, and Pleasure."  
**

**Once again, I would like to thank my reviewers who well.. reviewed my story. ^^**

**New reviews are welcome. Bye..  
**


	4. III: Return of the Kunoichi

**Hello, welcome to my fic! I had doubts if I would actually go back and add a chapter. But I did! D:**

**Oh yeah, I would like to thank these people:**

Sakura of darkness

Yuti-Chan

Xx-Irritated Wolf-xX

Jolteon's Thunderbolt

Fire Foxy Girl

Raging Typhoon Wolf

Xx-Silent Ookami-Xx

**and I would also like to thank a very special reviewer: Akatsuki Sakura Uchiha. Why? Cause you reviewed all the chapters! Thanks****! Put that all together and what do we get? Twenty eight reviews! I thank you all. Again!**

Blame it on the Goose, kittens, and Sakura

Chapter Three: Return of the kunoichi

_'Abandon ship!'_ Hollered a blue neko.

Eight cats departed from their captured item back into the house. Once they got back in doors, the kittens huffed and puffed allowing their heart to bump agianst their furry chests. The adrenaline circling through the veins caved in leaving behind their normal temperatures.

_'What the fuck just happened?'_ Questioned the silver tabby.

Deidara was still wheezing. _'I don't..know. But what ever happened that thing was big as hell!'_

_'Tobi scared.'_ Whined the savannah.

Madara walked into the living room. "What happened to our captive?"

_'Tobi and friends leave behind the pizza guy! Now Tobi and friends don't know what will happen to pizza guy. To-'_ Deidara butted in.

_'We ran scared as hell from kami knows what, un.'_

"From what?"

_'We don't know, un.' _Shrugged the yellow and white kitten.

The elder Uchiha lifted up the pizza box. "Well, we won't know until you crack the case." and picked up a slice from the left. "Unless we retrieve the pizza man, then were in serious trouble."

_'Fine. I'll do it.'_ Grumbled Sasori.

The burgundy kitten trotted past his colony members over to the curtains near the window. Sasori dragged a paw through the fabric removing the curtain out of his view so he could locate what ever evil creature was hanging out in the front door. His lazy hazel eyes took notice of a object wandering down the grass until it latched onto the window like a sponge.

Sasori moved back from the odd event then faced the group. _'I found the culprit.'_

"Well?" Asked the leader.

Out of nowhere, the kitten's eyes narrowed. _'The children.'_

Tobi bounced like a basket ball. _'Ooh! Ooh! Tobi love children!'_

Deidara's ears folded to his skull after hearing him. _'That's nice. So why don't you be a dear and go play with them.'_

_'Tobi will play with kiddies!' _He exclaimed and left out the doggy door into the outside world.

The Savannah felt giddy as he hopped on all fours causing a scene. The children stopped playing with each other and kept their mischievous eyes on the bouncing kitten in front of them. They surrounded the floating neko and started crying tears of joy in excitement.

Soon it started getting a little extreme.

While Tobi was doing the cabbage patch on the concrete, a little boy walked up to him and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck.

_'Auughh! Tobi being handled so badly!' Mewed_ a stressed out Tobi.

Pein was watching near the window. _'Shouldn't we save Madara's alter ego?'_

_'Um..no?'_ Questioend Kisame ever so meekly.

_'Don't we need that buffoon in order for the virus to reset on us?'_ Hinted Pein with a visible smirk forming on his mouth.

_'Damn it.'_ Hissed all the nekos.

_'Children? What the fuck are they doing here? It's not even Halloween yet..'_ Mewed Hidan.

Madara settled near the wall of the window. "It seems that the children have come here to cause havoc."

_'Since when was the silly kunoichi's house a play ground?'_ Questioned Itachi.

_'Fuck that. Throw some eggs at em and well see which play ground they'll run to.'_

"Perhaps the little lambs need to be scolded." Madara thought aloud, and placed a jutsu on him self canceling out the ears and tail. "Children. What are you doing here?"

All the children stopped what ever they were doing to stare. "Auuuuughhhh!" Then ran away in fear leaving Tobi behind.

Tobi fell on his ass while hitting the concrete. He struggled to get up slowly moving side to side like a crab.

_'Y-you saved T-tobi! T-thank kami every one!'_ Slurred the kitten.

Madara watched the neko fall over and soon passed out in front of him. Said elder Uchiha shrugged shortly after and walked down the steps crossing across the grass and stopped near the passed out pizza guy. A soft groan escaped from his lips as he bent down and got back up lifting the man and tossed him like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder.

The elder Uchiha kept his attention on the sun. "The sun is setting and soon the kunoichi will come home."

Three cats appeared by the door way. _'To make us some food right?'_ Asked Kisame.

"How would I know? in fact, she doesn't even know that you guys even exist yet."

_'Oh yeah. I forgot about that.'_ Kisame sweat dropped.

"Well, we better get inside before any more trouble leaps out and destroys us."

**-Night time-**

"Why is it so dark in here?"

A young girl with petal hair struggled to get through the darkness in her own house. She eeped when a slimy feeling traveled up her legs. _'Why didn't I chose the jump suit like Naruto has?'_ Thought the stressed out cherry blossom. Sakura made one small attempt to walk across the floor board when a bright light mysteriously turned on.

Some one was sitting in the arm chair next to the wall. Sakura took notice of the gloved hand still clenching the latch that switched the lamp on and off.

"Good evening Sakura." Began the velvety voice. "Or shall I say, good morning?"

The pinkette started sweating." I-I don't know what your t-talking about.."

"Do not play dumb with me. Here you are, outside drinking with friends while your boy friend and cats are starving in your own house."

"You could have made something." Replied the blossom steadily. "Wait a minute... since when do I have cats?"

"Since we got into the relationship." Madara said while getting up from the arm chair. "Now will you please make me some early breakfast since your home oh so later then before?"

Sakura grew sour. "What the fudge are you talking about? I can do what ever the hell I want! I'm grown you know."

"So am I. But I don't binge when there is someone waiting for you at home."

The pinkette felt quite guilty after being blamed for coming home later then she should. Sakura began pleading for forgiveness only to be turned down. She huffed and puffed like a blow fish then retired for her room to go take a shower and then go to bed.

_'Wait a minute, where is our food?'_ Questioned a wide eyed yellow and white tabby. He shrunk down a notch when Sakura appeared by the door frame.

"By the way, how old are you anyways?"

"..." Went the elder Uchiha.

He couldn't tell her his age now, that would spoil the moment. Besides, how old is he anyways? Time traveling must have made him over a hundred by now so revealing to the kunoichi about his true age will make him sound like an aging grandfather. Which he was not.

Except maybe to Fugaku, Shisui, Itachi, Sasuke, etc.

"Damn it!" He cursed aloud.

Sakura heard him. "Well? Are you going to tell me or not?" she questioned with a frown.

While Madara tried to figure out something to say to get her out his face, another idea came to mind. He put his fingers to the side of his hand and transmitted something to one of the cats._ 'Deidara. Go up to her and ask for food.'_ He thought.

Deidara started to run towards the girl. _'Roger that, un.'_ and placed his paw onto the girl's foot. _'Can I borrow some sugar, nya?'_

She bent down a rubbed his ears for a bit. "Would you like some food?"

It started purring from her touch._ 'Why yes I would..'_ and opened it's crisp blue orbs._ 'Can I sit at the table?'_

Deidara didn't get an answer when the kunoichi picked her self up from the kitchen floor and headed for the counter. He frowned with boredom and retreated for the other kittens that sat together in a circle.

Another kitty translation:

_'She's making us dinner.'_ Mewed the kitten.

_'Alright! Were finally getting a decent meal!_' Chirped the brown speckled kitten.

_'I don't want that canned garbage. Give me a t-bone steak and some sake and then I'm good to go.'_ Growled Kisame.

Pein's voice chopped them out._ 'This isn't a restaurant. What ever she is serving we have to eat it in order to get our strength restored.'_

_'Alright.'_ Moaned Tobi. His eyes narrowed in annoyance. _'Tobi won't like it though..'_ he pouted.

The kittens kept their eyes on a bowl bowl being placed before them.

Hidan looked down at it for a few seconds then back at her. _'What the fuck is this? Quit feeding us in these big ass bowls of tuna.'_

"What? I couldn't get to the pet store because I came home too late." Claimed the kunoichi.

If Hidan could laugh, he would. _'Quit lying to your self bitch. Cause you got hell of them yourself.'_ and dodged a blow from her foot. _'Ha, you missed!'_

Sakura went on her way out the room with his head held high. "Humph, I'm leaving to go take a shower." and exited out the kitchen.

Madara watched her leave quickly out the room. He turned facing them saying, "Give me some of that." The cats started hissing at him. "Shut up and hand me the fish or else I'll glue your tails to the wall and use you as a picture frame." Said nekos quieted down from his threat.

Tobi shrunk down to the ground._ 'Aw, your taking our food away?'_ He questioned while watching the plate lift up into the air.

Itachi sat on his paws. _'Go ahead and take it. I'm sure that there is some chocolate for use to eat.'_

_'Chocolate?'_ Repeated the speckled kitten. _'Alright! Tobi want chocolate!'_

_'Unless you want to die without reverting back to normal. Then go ahead.'_ Meowed Pein to Tobi.

But he didn't care. _'Let's go find some chocolate!'_ he mewed happily then sped off towards the counters.

...

Sakura was busy with getting her hair in check. She already completed her nightly washing and seemed tired from the binge drinking a few hours ago. It was a new record for her, this time she didn't walk home drunk or turned up in the park some where. In fact, she felt cleansed.

Like someone wiped her brain away from sudden thoughts and the increasing disability you get from alcohol poison. Before she went to bed, Sakura sat down still dressed in a towel and hovered her hand over her liver. Green chakra started to glow in her hands as she fished the alcohol out of her system.

"There we are. Now I'm extra clean." smiled the girl.

**'That was great. Our girls seem to know how to party, huh?'**

_'Only because we don't have any boy friends to tie us down.'_

**'Damn straight! Hold up, I think there's some one in the room.'**

'Really?'

**'Of course. The boogie man would like some company.'**

_'For what? Tea and cookies? I hate tea..'_

She froze when the sound of somebody screaming with a sock stuck in his mouth. The kunoichi dropped to the floor and came back up wearing a night gown and a bunny drenched pajamas pants. Sakura took out a kunai from her pocket and advanced slowly towards the closet. Her heart started moving back and forth against her rib cage as she inched closer and closer towards the door.

At once, the hand that wasn't holding onto the weapon and instead for reached the door. It started to twist within her skin and soon the closet door swung open revealing something quite odd. Instead of a python, or dead mouse, there was a human there. An ugly human drenched with red pimples all over his face and a mop of messy black hair.

Rather then screaming like those girls in the horror films, she did something else. "H-hoshi?"

The boy flinched from her voice. "Mmggjfgkflkura.." he muffled in terror.

"Who the fudge did this?" Cringed the pinkette. She stopped talking to her self and spotted a bunch of broken pizza boxes beside him. "Are those paw prints?" She questioned aloud in disbelief. Sakura moved forward, ripping the tape of Hoshi's face.

"OW, YOUR MOTHER!" Howled the young boy. He flinched, closing his eyes. "Please don't hit me.."

"I won't hurt you._ Yet._ I just want an explanation of how you got tied up in my closet."

Hoshi slowly opened them, and then told his story. "Well, I had a long conversation with this guy who had a deep voice about Tsunade the titti monster. Then he wanted a pizza so I asked what street was he on and he has a very difficult time pronouncing the name.

"Hn, what's so difficult with saying Passion Fruit Lane."

"Trust me, it's difficult. Anyways, after jotting down the street number I grabbed the pizza from off the counter and ran out the shop on my bike. I cycled past all the villagers and houses and soon came here." paused the boy. He took out an inhaler from his pocket and got high off of it. Hoshi took it out his mouth, allowing the fumes to come out of his nostrils. "Then your evil cats gang raped me."

"Gang raped you? That doesn't make any sense."

"It does to me when your the helpless man getting raped by a mad colony of cats!"

Sakura rolled her eyes at him. "Well that doesn't give you the excuse to lock your self up in my closet. Now get out."

Hoshi struggled to get up; When he did, the boy tripped over a sock onto the floor, alerting something down below. Madara sat glued near the wall, spying on what was going on above him and got a message.

"The evil nerdy man is raping him." He declared in pure terror.

_'Don't fucking spray the news to us! Attack him!'_ Jumped the silver neko.

Madara left the cats side and ran up the stairs carrying a ratchet. He got at the top steps and did a dodge roll and plastered him self from wall to wall. Said elder Uchiha peered over the wall and noticed a black shadow falling to the floor and getting back up.

"Huh? Who's there?" Questioned the shadow.

Suddenly, Madara lunged him self towards the shadow like a tornado.

"Adsfkdfhdkhfgfh!"

A pink mop woke up from the sound. She clenched her bed sheets in fright. "W-who's there?" and flinched when a pale screeching echoed throughout the house. Not wanting to go down stairs and check, she burrowed into her bed and slept through out the night..

**Saki is such a scaredy cat!** **That Hoshi is quite a liar..**

**Kitties don't rape anybody! Or do they?**

**This chapter has come to a close. Next week will be present in the next chapter.  
**

**Once again, I would like to thank my reviewers who well.. reviewed my story. ^^**

**New reviews are welcome. Bye..**

**I have to go to school now. Sniff..sniff..  
**


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